The ball is officially rolling!

Here we go!!!

Yucks

1. I order a new pink cell thinking I got a great deal (Under $60!), it breaks.

2. I order a replacement phone, a RAZR, it malfunctions, broken. (do NOT buy phones from ebay!!!!!)
3. I had to get new brakes and roters this week.

4. I bought a new washer and dryer and my friend left me here without hooking it up, so it is nice and statuesque in my bathroom, pretty!!!!

5. My tape deck breaks in my car, so now I can only listen to the icky acky ucky radio.

6. I am alone and don’t really want to be (and that’s unusual for me)

7. I am CRAVING cigarettes.

8. I miss my family!! wowza!!! Tonight is Jess’s mom’s big birthday bash. So of course I am sitting here ridiculing myself again for all the reasons we are no longer together. Ickness.

9. I feel like I grumbled a little too much today. Not that I was in a bad mood.. just an overall grumble-ish-ness.

Yums

1. My son and I are becoming closer every day, when I’m not experiencing temporary bouts of insanity, that is

2. I have the greatest friends EVER who listen to me complain on a daily basis lately.

3. Mr. Alien, you know what I mean.

4. I DO realize what I need to do in order to get out of this slump. Stop focusing on the negatives and just move forward. If anything else I need to do it for those around me

5. Wine

6. I am healthy and so is my son and family. I should really be more thankful for that than I have been as of late. Just because a bunch of crap has happened simultaneously that has nearly sent me screaming with my feet on fire into a prickly forest, doesn’t mean that I don’t still have things to be thankful for. I have food to eat, clothes to wear, even tho I can’t wash them right now, and a not-so-comfy-but-at-least-its-warm bed to sleep in.

7. Water. Water water water water. I am suddenly so thankful to have water……I watched the video of the US troops holding out the bottled water and tauntingly driving away with it so that thirsty Iraqi children would chase after it. Watch it here, it is sickening!. It has really given me a new perspective on some things and I feel inspired to focus more on things, not necessarily media driven, but just things that I could at least lend my prayers to, and put some faith into. So after watching that, my friend Megan shows me this disgusting new trend called Bling H20 which I’m assuming is mostly popular with celebs who can afford it ( Look how much this crap costs!!! ). So yeah, evidently now image has even taken over the look of what your water bottle is like. I am so grossed out by this. So while people around the globe are starving and dying of thirst, we are buying bottles of the shit for $55 just to look cool. How sickening is that???

When You Can Feel it Shrinking Away

It tugs at you. You are losing faith but you don’t want to admit it to yourself. You are gaining strength at the cost of failure in other areas. When the empty quiet of the night eats at you until you find yourself eating tuna straight out of the can and talking to yourself in the mirror again. And you play the same song over and over just to feel, because without it you are nothing but numb, disassociated, nearly plastic.

You are not thinking of yourself. You are thinking of them. Him. And him.

But that song, that lulling song, the song that makes you cry from the pit of your stomach, you keep repeating it, listening deeply as all your regrets stare you in the face. And yet that very song was somehow the best gift you were ever given. And you wonder if you hadn’t listened to it so many times if you would still be walking around in denial. And it is playing as you write these words, through tears.

This is what it is really like. These are the things you tell no one, the things that no one sees.

No one sees you as you tumult into another uncontrollable crying spell. No one sees you as you lay on the floor begging for forgiveness, begging to feel even just an ounce of forgiveness.

And you want to tell them all you are sorry, but you don’t know where to begin, how to say it, or if they will even listen. And you say the words over in your mind, you picture their faces, you remember what you have been told and what has been said. But all you have now is the truth, and it will either bury you, or it will save you. It is your choice. So you wrestle between worlds, day in, day out, digging your way back up to the surface only to feel the air brush your skin and startle you enough to send you shrinking back away into your hole.

This is what it is really like.

Woo Hoo. Fireworks.

Wouldn’t you know I chose not to go see the fireworks this evening, and I have a perfect view of them from the new apartment. I can even hear them blasting away.

This very well may be the most negative entry I have ever posted online, hehe, so forgive me now.

But wow. I feel lousy and poopy and anything but ‘happy’ at this moment. I know its just a mood, so I don’t want sympathy or even comforting. Just to vent and put it out there.. I am real, afterall. I am not always the positive being that I strive to be. In fact, I experience pain in a way that may seem ‘not healthy’ to some, but to me it is necessary. If I’m sad.. I need to push it out. I need to hold it in the palm of my hand and examine it, squish it between my fingers, smell it, see if it will bounce, that sort of thing.

I really think that if people would accept that experiencing pain is a normal part of life rather than making it out to be something we need to ‘fix’, or to disguise with medication, or to ‘not talk about’, we may all actually learn something, and maybe even grow into something better. Why in the H is society made to feel believe that they can acheive this perfect life? NO ONE’s life is a bed of roses. No one can possibly feel happiness unless they can accept and reflect on their pain FIRST. It frustrates me.

But what also frustrates me is how easy it is to make horrible mistakes. Mistakes that hurt other people. And you don’t realize how selfish you’ve been until its too late to change things. But even moreso… we ALL make mistakes. That’s a part of being human unfortunately, and the only thing we can do is learn and grow… no matter who is quick to judge or to assume that it has changed the person we are inside. Some mistakes are worse than others, but it doesn’t change WHO we are. And tho we can not change our mistakes, we CAN learn not to make the same mistakes again. We CAN grow. We CAN progress.

Is it possible to prove that you are sorry? Initially, no. That’s impossible, and you shouldn’t be expected to prove anything to anyone. Time is the only thing that prove a person to be sincere. The rest is between one’s self, and God Himself.