Rekindling and Dwindling

Its funny – out of the blue today I hear from not one, but two people I’ve had a “falling out” with over the past year. And its funny because in one light, its nice a) be apologized to and b) to have the ability to be forgiving, but I can’t help but to be curious as to whether or not there is a hidden agenda (on both parts) due to the way things ended with us in the past.

Talk about having your guard up.

In other recent news.. certain parts of my life have dwindled somewhat. Ebbing and flowing so to speak. I don’t feel threatened as much as cautious, and I’m on my toes right now more than I’ve ever EVER been. About every single thing.

What it continues to boil down to is that the most important thing to me is that I get to be with my son as much as possible before he turns 18, supporting his life 100% no matter what it takes and busting my bootie to provide for us.

We’ve had a nice summer thus far, even tho summer is my least favorite, its nice to have Kyler home from school during the day. Love having him at home to tend to, even tho we get at eachother after we’ve been cooped up too long, but that’s to be expected within any household

Leaving for New Jersey in the morning and get to (once again) work with Charles Rehill doing a photosession at this awesomely awesome abandoned military base so I am truly looking forward to that, and to meeting Charles’s wife Kristine.

My New Year’s ‘promise’ to myself this year was that 2008 is the ‘year of change’, and part of that promise includes travel whenever, to wherever. And I’m so happy to say that its been amazing thus far. I’ve made it to St. Louis, MO twice, the Springfield, IL area twice, Amish Country, OH, an Amish community in Illinois, this weekend to New Jersey and another expected trip out there this coming October for a travel portrait session, a trip to Fort Wayne, Indiana coming up very soon (love you Meg!) and am trying to get a trip to Nashville TN together to photograph a few bands that I support from that area.

And a SECRET SURPRISE trip next spring that shall remain very quieted until more details come together – it involves going over seas for work, that’s all I’m going to say at this point in time

Hope everyone has been well.

Inspired

So Kyler and I went to visit the area called “Amish Country” about an hour from where I live today. It is filled with gorgeous scenery and a community of Amish people who run quite the admirable lifestyle. I am enthralled by it all. The idea of such simplicity has me really evaluating the way I live, and the way the world lives.

I grew up in an area where there were Amish not too far, so have always had a glimpse of it, and have been intrigued even as a young girl.

Today, I truly realized that humanity is spoiled – completely rotten.

Not that the Amish are missing anything either.. their lives are rich and plentiful.. filled with family and appreciating every darn thing they have, down to the threads that they themselves sew together and wear as clothing. I mean, seriously.. everything they do is for themselves. Some of the most, if not the absolute most resourceful human beings on the planet.

And they are so genuine.

Now I’m sure not everything is ‘meets the eye’ and there are hardships just like with any culture and/or situation. But I still admire it, I adore it.

As we were given a tour of one of the homes, I caught myself more than once tearing up over the beauty of the way they live. How no one is excused from the dinner table until everyone is finished eating. How children have so few toys, yet play joyfully and occupy themselves with things such as reading and imaginative (outdoor) play.

Media has society’s children brainwashed into believing that they ‘need’ certain things. And I know I fall into that category to a degree… for example, not feeling adequate enough to walk outside unless I have my foundation, powder, and at LEAST mascara and lipgloss on. Now why is that really? I can’t really decide why.. it just makes me feel better about myself… but yet as I was looking at these Amish women cooking in the kitchen today, i was taken aback by their beauty. Such a different beauty too, not necessarily external.. but the feeling and respect for how they live and the sacrifices that they make to practice their faith is mesmerizing to me.

It seriously has me wanting to rearrange some things in my life. I would throw the TV out completely if it didn’t help Kyler fall asleep at night. It is not needed.

I’m sure I *could* live without the computer but at this point, I couldn’t make a living without it, and we use it resourcefully in this household so I can make an exception (in my own mind).. but honestly other than that it isn’t “needed”. Entertainment isn’t “necessary”.

My brother says “You know what everyone’s problem is? People need hobbies….”

I couldn’t agree more.

As we were walking away I said to Kyler “wouldn’t it be wonderful to live on a farm?” and he replied to me with “Yeah.. I want to be Amish”

The last thing I looked at

The last thing I looked at before I laid down to close my eyes tonight was our picture on my desk, from the first night that we met.

Well, I didn’t actually lay down and close my eyes immediately after that, because I wanted to write it down first… but had I not gotten up to document it….. (yeah.. you know what I’m trying to say)…

I suppose, point being;

There are two things that make me able to rest my head at night. One: knowing my son, and the people whom I love, are healthy and safe. Two: knowing that I get to wake up to your voice in the morning…. even though you’re not here with me.

the buzzing of the light

The buzzing of the light
I don’t feel like listening
Tonight
Though it is slicing through the air
Like screams

I don’t feel like feeling lonely
Tonight
But I do
And I am
And I am quiet
But it is loud

The buzzing of the light
Is piercing through me
Tonight

7 hours

I still get excited when I hear the phone ringing and I know that its you…

I still sleep on your side of the bed when you’re away

I still feel your breath against me like it was the very first time…

I miss you so much.

I still want to write lovey-dovey emails like those first few weeks

It still feels like I’m laying next to you listening to trance music with the silly strobe light on

I still can feel the divot of your spine when my hands slide across your back

I miss your lips,

Your hands.

I miss your sweet smile when I wake up

I still feel how tired I was… talking on the phone until the sun came up and not wanting to let you go

You were right by my side, and we hadn’t even met

I still feel the tears on my hands when we wiped one another’s faces… saddened by the moments before you took me to catch the flight home

I hate the 7 hours in between sometimes
I love the 7 hours ’cause it makes us stronger

I don’t have anything interesting to say

I have the weekend all to myself and I thought I’d catch up on work and enjoy the peace and the quiet. Be careful what you wish for?

I feel lonely tonight. Distant.

Some require loads of personal space and separation from the world in order to function normally. I happen to be one of those people… but tonight.. I’m not sure what it is. Probably just something icky in the air.

Embarking upon this new journey…. my son and I living on our own.. and  has given me more than enough breathing room… I really do enjoy it most of the time

Was a FABULOUS day however, attended a fantastic group photoshoot in Columbus and met 5 new wonderful models.. two of which I will definitely be working with again in the future. Pics soon! So it was productive.