It is buried
So deep
Sometimes I forget;
I don’t realize
That I’m cutting off the world completely
Until I feel forgotten
I don’t want to remember
But I can see the twigs
And I feel the crisp morning air
And the glitter glistening in it
As they pranced before us all
His little smile was proud
They were all proud
I was unsure
But I was certain
You were oblivious
And I stood alone watching the others dance
Someone said this to me recently [haha].
My reply: “Well.. they’re entertaining aren’t they? Although… I suppose we are all dramatic in someone else’s sense of the word.”
And I had never really thought of it that way before. But when I honestly look at myself from an outsider’s view, I could see how they might perceive some of the things about me as dramatic.
But I DO like to think of myself as a laid back nature girl, even though I haven’t gotten outside enough lately. Sometimes this desk just isn’t scenic enough for me.
no need to plague the mind with feeling that it needs to be ‘made up’
there are always multiple versions of everything
infinite opportunity
always plenty of time to make adjustments
room for change
If you are feeling an emptiness… you are the only person who can fix it.. by taking ACTION and not letting your mind tell you that it is too late
BOO at that excuse
I’ll second my own motion…. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This post was originally written last summer…. I’m a happy vegetarian now 
“Sometimes its nice to humble yourself and think.. “Hm.. I could live like this if I absolutely had to”. I mean tuna IS good straight out of the can. I just ate two cans of it…
But this serves to me as a metaphor.. why do we as humans feel the need to make everything more complex than it has to be? My friend Megan and I were talking about how we wish we could gather together a group of people who all live within 5 miles or so of one another, and all of us just have our own gardens, and share our crop with one another, etc. I am not sure if this is ‘Anti-American’ or not, but it doesn’t seem so to me. I just really cannot believe the price inflation of things like gasoline and milk. And it can be justified through and through, but I honestly don’t see a consistency to it that makes me a believer, sorry if I am offending anyone.”
Was chatting with my love this evening while working on wedding imagery and he asked me to stop what I was doing and take a photograph of myself exactly as he saw me.. so I held up the camera to the same height and angle as the webcam and shot this…..
….. here you go, Christopher, I love you!
You know, they say long distance relationships will kill you but this is the first time in so long that I’ve felt alive….
I’ve been soo inspired lately and wanted to share a couple more new images before I post them elsewhere, for ME. I’ve been so busy doing other things I’m just way excited to have had some time to do some good old self portraits
Self Portrait – Long exposure
Self Portrait with Wind Chimes
Self Portrait with Black Rose
And last but not least… SILLYYYYYYY
Family Portrait – HAH! Holga wasn’t very happy about this….
Now I MUST get to bed soon…. Child Session in the morning!
Who is beautiful?
I suppose the answer ebbs and flows a bit does it not? At least from a general perspective it does. Some would say “George Clooney??” and others would say “Angelina Jolie”. I guess as a whole we are dumbed down to these types of questions.
I think our children are the only form of perfect beauty that exists. Innocent, and eager *sigh*. I look at my son every day and think that he has to be the most beautiful little boy in the whole world.. but I’m sure every mother thinks this about her own kiddos
People who are able to remain composed in situations where most would scowl in anger or lose their temper; those are truly beautiful people. And these things are not easy, and we DO have to condition ourselves to say ‘good riddance’ to the easy alternatives. Every situation is an OPPORTUNITY. When your kids are screaming and acting aloof, there is an opportunity to set an example. It reaaaaaaaallly bothers me when parents scream at their children. It makes me sad and at the same time very frustrated. Not that I am perfect when it comes to parenting, but I don’t see how yelling teaches a THING and when I see parents do this to their kids I just want to squirt whipped cream in their eyeballs. GAH. I think we need to get down to their level, sit with them on the floor, and talk to them honestly. They’re sponges and they absorb everything so why not let them absorb something meaningful and something they can grow from and remember you by. I don’t want my son to remember me as the haggling b**ch who freaked out every time he spilled his Kool Aid on the rug or broke one of my necklaces (um…. we won’t talk about how many times THAT has happened, hehee).
I think one who can remain true to him/herself when everyone else is following the herd, yet who expects no recognition for doing so – someone such as this is beautiful. I learn things from people like this, even if they are grossly different morally (or otherwise) than myself. The things I retain aren’t exactly typical I suppose… and sometimes I wish I was “smarter” or more interested in microbiology and mathematics and even politics… and I admire people who suck up these things and remember them, then regurgitate it with their own twists and hypotheses… but while those types are focused on knowledge, I am ever fixated on WHY those things are important to oneself, what stirs his/her passion; I am watching his/her mannerisms, expressions, analyzing one’s personality, and experiencing the energy one radiates (or does not). I take those things home with me, and they stick in me like thorns sometimes.
But then there are the ones who flow right along with my own energy. I remember things that will benefit myself or others.. be it food related, an alternative to medicine, something inspiring that someone has said that I feel repeating myself might inspire someone else, etc. And as I said… I do wish I remembered things like who was the 14th president of the US and what year it was when the Witch Trials occurred. It is so interesting what makes each of us tick.
I’m not sure I can get through a journal without mentioning Chris lately. I have just been so blessed to have met someone who’s energy is the perfect compliment to my own, who can take my seriousness in stride, and who’s seriousness doesn’t bog me down; someone who knows when to laugh at me and when to cry with me; someone who knows how to make me laugh that gut-wrenching laugh that makes your stomach hurt afterward; someone who’s interests neither conflict nor compete with my own. I met someone beautiful to love and to love me. *sigh*
I can only hope that everyone gives themselves the space and the time to find out that the phenomenon called ‘love’ does exist.
I have had to come through some unfortunate experiences to have finally realized what it really takes to let someone in. And the funny thing is.. its so obvious. You have to be willing to give yourself away if you want to let someone see inside you. And you have to give yourself and the other person space to feel things out. So many times people want to jump right in and live the “American Dream”, and yes… we all want love.. but love does not exist when we create it. It has to be born.
I love you
with all of my being
the physical you
the inner you that I feel when the physical you is far away
your energy is with me always
I feel you now as I write, my love
I feel you near
It is your air I breathe
I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to work on my personal works but things are starting to wind down slightly and I’d really like to regain some focus on my side projects for awhile. I miss writing…. I miss self portraits!
The Hideout is opening tomorrow, actually I’m looking at the clock and it is one minute after midnight so technically it is opened now, haha – that was a long process of setting up, writing rules, etc… and I really hope to keep things moving right along there.
My new kittie baby, Holga, is looking at me from the edge of the bed as her head is slowly falling forward and her eyes are closing. This kitten makes me LAUGH.. goodness she has the coolest personality. Her father was a seal point Siamese and her mother was this sweet Calico with markings on her face that resembled the phantom mask. I never got to meet the father but her mother has the sweetest disposition. She is certainly ornery if I may say so… climing up my legs when I’m working on the computer… and she’ll watch my eyes when I blink them and attack my face – YEP. But she’ll also climb up onto your lap when she’s finished terrorizing things and lay there purring for hours. She’s wonderful.
My grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary was today and we had a surprise party for them lastnight. Things got emotional at a certain point and I realized how important my family is to me and how blessed we all really are to be so close knit. All of the children and grandchildren stood up and spoke some words of appreciation and then of course we proceeded to invite ourselves back to their house for some ping-pong tournaments and board games. Ever played Headbanz? Its super silly but great for stirring up unexpected conversation – a staple in our family. You never know what conversation you might randomly walk into around my grandparent’s house on a Sunday afternoon. Anyway, the anniversary and all of the emotions being stirred around among us all really got me thinking and I just feel soooo blessed to have such amazing people in my life.
Ky’s first soccer game of the season was today and I can’t tell you how unbelievable it is to me that nearly 7 years have gone by since he was in my belly. I’ve made plans to have no more children in my life – not an easy decision because I have such a mothering nature and adore children, but at the same time I would rather not fulfill a desire for more children than bring more innocent beauties into a world that is so corrupt. That sounds like giving up in a way I suppose, but in my own mind it makes sense. I had the most amazing conversation with my boyfriend lastnight on the phone and we were discussing this very subject. It just seems that the state of the world could be cleaned up some if adults took the time to set brighter examples to the children – for THEY are our future and our actions as adults directly affect children and that is essentially the future. Scary thought isn’t it? All in all, I’m content with my life as it is and prefer to keep things simple – the whole ‘less is more’ concept is applied to my life in all areas, haha.
And as I sit here typing I feel my head and eyes doing the same thing as Holga kitty when she was falling asleep on the edge of the bed. I am exhausted… it has been a LONG week of work, emotion, and not quite enough sleep. Time to call it a night I do believe……..
