I feel like I could pass out sitting here. My day started out very busy, then slowed way down, then got very busy yet again.
We went trick or treating… we [parents] dressed up too and I think its good for children to know that their parents can relate to them, and have fun on their level. I saw several of my peers.. one in particular who said “I’m not much for Halloween”….. oh well… go grumble around somewhere else and let us fill the streets with happiness and good cheer. Yes… Halloween is over-rated, BUT I never buy sweets in our household so I know Ky gets really excited about all the candy. It’s a one year deal, I’m cool with it.
It has been so hard splitting up the time I get to spend with Kyler. I know he needs his Dad, and his Dad needs him, so when we’re away I just try to remember that as much as I can. I do get lonely sometimes. My family is an hour and a half away, and with the constant bustle of everyday life, I can’t just go see them like I want to. Then Ky is gone half the week, and Chris… we go weeks at a time without physical contact. All these things lead to me burying myself in work, music, and silence. Don’t get me wrong.. I am very blessed to live the way I do, but sometimes I just want to reach out to someone. Socializing in less-than-classy scenarios is not for me, and when I do get out it is usually to hang out with my family, go to the wilderness somewhere with Ky, or buy groceries. I just don’t thrive on a need for what typically entertains other human beings. Chris and I enjoy being social now and then but we both lead very simplified lifestyles, and I really like that about him.
I’m going to see Chris in the morning… for four days this time…and its been a month since we last touched. A MONTH. Our strength amazes me sometimes.. and the fact that I can completely trust someone who is so far out of reach. Now compare this to a military romance and we’re big babies, but I still feel very secure, and our distance has a lot to do with it. I always feel him near. So the sun will feel warmer than usual tomorrow. The only downside is I will then have to miss Ky for four days. I hate being away from him.. but I know he and his dad have a loving relationship and that makes me feel better inside when I’m away.
I had multiple epiphanies today; about who I am and what my relationship to Chris means to me. I have always been a very laid back individual, with male and female friends alike. I have kept my online relationships pretty low key, but have developed friendships with men that I have worked with/met online etc. It wasn’t until the past few weeks that I took note of my jealous side, and am now fully aware that I do NOT like it when women who post half-naked photographs of themselves are messaging the man that I love. Now I realize we all note back and forth amongst people we know, I do it too. But is it REALLY necessary? No, not really. I am not trying to say I would ever tell Chris not to talk to people, but I will tell him that since I am the one he is devoted to, I want all the attention 
This phase of silly jealousies has made me reflect upon myself and how I want nothing more than to prove to Chris that I am the one for him, etc, even tho I KNOW I am the one for him….. but I think the combination of our being far apart and knowing HOW other women can be has ruffled my feathers a bit. Not enough to ever take anything out on him, but enough to teach me some lessons about my own behaviour. At times, I do speak to my male friends online. I know what my intentions are, but THEY might not; the same goes for naked females who think the man that I love is gorgeous, and I don’t blame them.. he IS. A mind can wander though. I would never want Chris’s mind to wander. Something that has become clear to me is that jealousy is sign my spiritual side could use some brushing up. Focusing on strengthening my spiritual self will be the key to getting through these types of feelings. When your mind runs around in circles around negative or unpleasant feelings, it is paralyzing, which only results in spiraling downward even further. There is no point to this and I have better things to do with my time than let other people get under my skin, especially when I myself partake in the same harmless “messaging” that may create jealous feelings within Chris. I’m not sure if that happens, but I don’t want it to, and so I’m really going to cut that out from now on, for my own well being and for the sanctity of the relationship. I love this man.
My friendliness and openness with some of my male friends I’m thinking is old news, silly, pointless. It is simply not necessary, and there is nothing cool about sending and/or receiving mixed signals. Chris is much more important to me than creating new friendships with the opposite sex and letting the possibility of leading someone on manifest even for a split second. I am a friendly girl, don’t get me wrong, but Chris says I sometimes let people mistake my kindness for a weakness. I can see that.
Lo and behold, some situations have occurred that leave me now more sure than ever that he is my one and only =)
