You don’t really want to know

*this was something I wrote to a man I dated last year.  I was just venting from a very raw place. Have you ever felt unaccepted? Rereading this, I really see a side of myself that makes me feel strong, even though I never said these exact words to him. Apparently I at least know what I want out of life, if nothing else.*

Maybe you are exactly like the disgustingly predictable men that I have encountered, and have been fooled by, in the past. Acting like someone you aren’t to get my attention, making empty promises, and then once you have me not doing a damn thing to nurture the relationship.

Maybe you saw the outside and let it blind you. Maybe you saw me as more than you hoped for.

Maybe you don’t really want to see what’s on the inside.

I have news for you all. There is more to me than what you see and there is a reason I have built up walls in the past. Reasons I am STILL overcoming, reasons that will haunt me for a long time.

There was a reason I opened myself to you but now it seems like it may have been a pointless attempt to trust myself with someone, and to trust someone else would let me in.

Maybe we really ARE too different.

Religion and spirituality only get in the way of people who LET IT. No one wants to take the blame anymore, they want to blame anything and everything else. I should be just as free to say what I feel as you and you make that impossible so don’t blame my beliefs as being in the way… blame your distorted, closed-minded perception of people who have faith in a Creator, and the fact you are too stubborn to listen to anything other than what YOU think is right (which it is impossible for anyone to be completely “right” about our existential emergence). There are millions of other people who think you are WRONG and they’re entitled to think so, but it doesn’t mean either of you are at fault for thinking differently. You haven’t heard me tell you that you’re wrong – not once. So I don’t know where your harshness is coming from, and your unwillingness to get to know this side of me that I have hidden for so long – especially when I am ready to sit with my legs crossed, elbow-on-knee-and-hand-on-chin, and intently listen to your opinions that rival mine just because I am that interested in you. Why are you not that enthralled by me, the way you were a mere 8 months ago? OH because you were just trying to win my heart then. Now that you have it, you just put it in the closet to collect dust.

I fear you may turn out to be another one of those people who is out to please yourself and doesn’t really give a rats ass about anyone else’s ideas, and I can’t waste my time with another ‘invincible little boy’ mentality as such.

Did you really read any of my blogs before we met? Cause you commented on so many of them and now they ‘annoy’ you. Interesting.

Here I am venting to myself and not you because you ignored me, then went to bed without telling me goodnight. Good Lord this is stupid. All because I sent you two Christian-influenced links that interested me and had some things on my mind that [to me] were very important and powerful.

Pardon me for opening up to you.

That is all I’ve ever wanted. Someone who will listen to the things I find astounding, someone who wants nothing in return, and someone who will respect my feelings, and share in the excitement of existing, and growing.  Never ever ever have I found all of those things in one man. My guess is its not gonna happen, cause if we don’t work out, I just don’t have the desire to search for it anymore.

Something Much Deeper

Even little white lies bring on trouble. Especially little white lies that you yourself have fallen for, that caused you to see something in a person that may have just been nothing more than an attempt to get what they wanted.

I guess it makes you reflect on your own behavior though… when you spit something out before you have time to think and then after you say it you do the whole hand-to-the-forehead thing. So who knows….

That’s all for tonight.

lots of busy

I am so thankful. I have had much to do so far this week and have felt pretty irritable to be honest… running behind on a couple things, etc. But I don’t have much room to complain, I realize this. So I won’t.

Tomorrow: duty calls at the studio! I’m going to head over there to take my lighting in and set it up for a session Friday. We have so much cleaning to do, and will be having new floors put in sometime in the next couple of weeks…. REALLY looking forward to getting in there and I will definitely document the before/after.

I’m just so excited I could burst.. even tho the majority of my work is location based.. having a ‘place of business’ is going to make a world of difference.

Kyler’s birthday is coming up on the 20th.. 7 years old! Wow. What is the gift this year? Well.. I got him a Wii. I thought maybe it would be something we could do together considering I can’t stand other video games other than Silent Hill games, hah, and we can’t exactly play those together just yet. I know it would scare him to DEATH! And when I asked him what he wanted for his bday, he told me… A Wii! So I did well this year; most often times the grandparents are the ones who end up getting him the BIG BAD gifts. I’m excited to be able to do something exciting for him this time around. We’ll be doing his party at the bowling alley and I can’t wait to throw my ball into the gutter as always, haha.

Christopher is coming this weekend and I am beyond ecstatic to see him. We are doing a vegan thanksgiving feast.. yummmm…. the plan is to stay in our pajamas and watch movies all weekend, grab a bottle of wine and just be completely lazy. I can’t wait! We may get together with my friend Rachel and her love, Ben.. who I haven’t seen either of in a very long time. I miss my friends, but in a good way because I know everyone is happy and healthy, doing their own things and enjoying life, the way its supposed to be. I really couldn’t ask for much more… other than my wish for instantaneous uploading when ordering wedding proofs, but hey – ya can’t have bloody everything!

WOAH! [ I mean, 'whoa' ]

Well…. I just realized something.

Isn’t it difficult to let go of something you’ve grown accustomed to? And don’t you want to put your foot in your mouth when you are absolutely certain you’re right about something but then you realize you’re 100% incorrectomundo?

I’ve been spelling it ‘woah’ all these years. But its really ‘whoa’. How sad.

In fact, in a beyond-recent discussion between two un-confirmed individuals:

Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:06 PM):
do you spell ‘woah’ … ‘woah’ or ‘whoa’
lol
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:07 PM):
oh.
I just found it.
I’ve been wrong all these years!
poop.
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:09 PM):
WHiCH one is it, lol
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:09 PM):
whoa!
ew
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:10 PM):
it looks foreign now that I’ve been staring at it this long!
it looks not like a word anymore.
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:10 PM):
eww. I can’t do it. I can’t spell it right
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:10 PM):
hahaha
its whoa.
ew
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:10 PM):
it goes against everything I have ever thought, lol
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:10 PM):
I KNOW
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:10 PM):
WOAH!
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:10 PM):
lmao
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:10 PM):
itwill always be woah
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:11 PM):
except now I’ll be thinking wo-A instead of whoa
lmfao
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:11 PM):
HAHAHHA
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:11 PM):
hahaha
cause that’s how it looks now, lol
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:11 PM):
it looks freaky deaky
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:12 PM):
and EW I wonder how many other things I’ve been spelling wrong all my life.
I probably spell ‘the’ wrong
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:12 PM):
lol
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:12 PM):
thu
Estimate?! Oh Estimaaaaate……??? says (8:12 PM):
I have a newborn next week and I’m shitting my pants
random
lol
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:12 PM):
HHAHAHAH
sorry, I’m boring
Michelle [wants floors] *bgca says (8:13 PM):
my stomach hurts please stop

SEE. Certain lives have been changed for good.

powerful.

I spent some heavy duty QT with my family yesterday and today.. and spent a good amount of time reflecting on things in my life, areas that need improvement, and most of all… how wonderful my family is [and has always been].

I attended my uncle’s church today, [went there often growing up], and it was such a breath of fresh air. The encouragement from my kindred souls, the feeling of God’s presence so close to me. At the end of the service I ended up praying with my uncle and a few members….in which I actually prayed audibly at moments to share my confessions and spiritual needs.  I feel amazing and excited about the direction I am headed in my life! I see and feel what needs to be done, what is right, what is real.  And I see a light in Kyler’s eyes when we are in that presence as well, which makes it even more meaningful to me, that I set that example for him as his mother.

My uncle is such an amazing human being. He is so grounded, peaceful, kind, and eager to see others grow closer to God. I have always loved that about him so much.

So yes.. it was a good weekend =)

I really just want to play piano.

Up late working tonight and I realize how behind I am on my music. I never have enough time for it these days! It would seem much more worth my time if I had adequate recording equipment. The story of my life! *sigh*

I am so inspired and full of spirit right now. Perhaps I shall save it for another day and get some rest for now. Kyler sleeps soundly behind me. It is comforting when he’s here at home =)

Going to visit family tomorrow for the first time in a little while. We miss them all dearly.

All that is important

I have grown and changed much in the past year!

Many things are now extremely important to me, where before I was somewhat apathetic and admittedly immature in regards to certain aspects of humanity – one being politics. I have now learned that not caring only adds to our problems!

All that is important has become more clear to me than ever before.

1. As an adult, being kind, open, loving and patient. Letting go of any possible childish reactions and inhibitions [childISH..  as in 'immature'... not childLIKE as in innocent]. I tend to shut things out and cut things off completely when I’m reacting negatively to a situation; this needs work. It started when I was a child, and would simply lock myself in my room writing for hours, not talking about my emotions with anyone, almost secretively.

2. As a parent, being open, honest, affectionate, emotionally stable, and setting positive examples. One of if not THE most important thing to me right now.

3. Outward reflections of inner peace - exuding compassion, empathy, humility, reliability, not sacrificing integrity for any [selfish] reason. We all struggle, we all have a story, we have all experienced pain, we have all made mistakes. Reflect, accept, digest, reinvent, plant new seeds… GROW and let go of the past. This is the only way to feel some sense of peace within yourself. I struggle with heavy doses of guilt resulting from past mistakes and it is easy to be hard on yourself when you’ve done wrong. But others’ opinions matter not – if you can first acknowledge your wrongdoings and then work towards forgiving yourself, this is the important part.

4. As a human being – not acting like a human being!!! This is a priority. I want to project my spiritual side as much as possible. IGNORING what people think or say, or how I am perceived by others. Developing stronger senses of esteem and confidence, filtering people out of my life if necessary to 1) achieve goals, and 2) not be influenced by negative energy. Having GOOD MANNERS is important to me!!

5. As a spiritual being – connecting to my surroundings and nature, learning about my [Native American] ancestors, strengthening and maintaining a healthy, modest relationship to God, growing from mistakes, letting jealousies subside, staying on a simple path and surrounding myself with simple things, exuding thankfulness and appreciation for all things in my life. Sharing this side of myself with others is the biggest part of who I am, even though I am quietly spiritual and generally only discuss these things if I sense it in another person. But if you get me on this subject, I really come to life. If we can talk and learn from one another in this area, you will make me stronger and leave a permanent place with me… and hopefully I can do the same for you.

6. In my relationships, equal balances of respect, openness, understanding, loyalty, and willingness to exchange thoughts. It is highly important to me that whomever comes into my life understands and respects all aspects of who I am, whether or not he/she agrees with my personal opinions or perceptions, and you can expect the same in return. Our relationship/friendship may or may not succeed but the idea of pursuing any type of relationship is that both people learn and grow from one another, whether the experience is negative or positive overall.

7. Professionally, exuding dependability, consistency, inspiration, kindness, charisma, enthusiasm, quality, [and coolness, hehe].

8. The Sixth Sense, trusting in and listening to my intuition, dream significance and how it is more than just ‘relative to our waking lives’, the flow of energy through all things, and the idea that ’soul mates’ are more than just ‘the person we are meant to be with forever’…. you can sense your soul mates.. people you ‘click with’.. people who ‘get you’ naturally, people who have affected your life profoundly whom you still think of often when you haven’t spoken in years. I believe you may end up with a ’soul mate’ but just because someone is one of your ’soul mates’ doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be together….

election day :\

I have no idea what is going to win this presidential election, but I know the things in life that are of value have never felt more valuable than now…..

After thinking I hadn’t re-registered in time this year, my sister convinced me to at least go give it a try, so I did, and sure enough I had forgotten that I re-registered this spring when I renewed my driving tags *whew*.. so I did my part today and will keep my preferences to myself for now.

=)

out of town

My love is at work, and I stayed home to get some work done at the forum. I will be leaving tomorrow and although I am beyond eager to get back to Ohio to see Ky and Holga kitty, the thought of being away from Chris again is rather crippling. Like all I want to do is run to the door when he gets here and squeeze him till I leave in the morning. 6am is going to come way too soon.

We wait and wait and wait to spend time together, and then in a blur it becomes memories again.

Our memories are always fond ones, but the cycle of being away from him is making me feel absolutely sick this time. Still, I sit here in his computer chair, wrapped up in his huge comfy blanket and I feel loved.