powerful.

I spent some heavy duty QT with my family yesterday and today.. and spent a good amount of time reflecting on things in my life, areas that need improvement, and most of all… how wonderful my family is [and has always been].

I attended my uncle’s church today, [went there often growing up], and it was such a breath of fresh air. The encouragement from my kindred souls, the feeling of God’s presence so close to me. At the end of the service I ended up praying with my uncle and a few members….in which I actually prayed audibly at moments to share my confessions and spiritual needs.  I feel amazing and excited about the direction I am headed in my life! I see and feel what needs to be done, what is right, what is real.  And I see a light in Kyler’s eyes when we are in that presence as well, which makes it even more meaningful to me, that I set that example for him as his mother.

My uncle is such an amazing human being. He is so grounded, peaceful, kind, and eager to see others grow closer to God. I have always loved that about him so much.

So yes.. it was a good weekend =)

I really just want to play piano.

Up late working tonight and I realize how behind I am on my music. I never have enough time for it these days! It would seem much more worth my time if I had adequate recording equipment. The story of my life! *sigh*

I am so inspired and full of spirit right now. Perhaps I shall save it for another day and get some rest for now. Kyler sleeps soundly behind me. It is comforting when he’s here at home =)

Going to visit family tomorrow for the first time in a little while. We miss them all dearly.

All that is important

I have grown and changed much in the past year!

Many things are now extremely important to me, where before I was somewhat apathetic and admittedly immature in regards to certain aspects of humanity – one being politics. I have now learned that not caring only adds to our problems!

All that is important has become more clear to me than ever before.

1. As an adult, being kind, open, loving and patient. Letting go of any possible childish reactions and inhibitions [childISH..  as in 'immature'... not childLIKE as in innocent]. I tend to shut things out and cut things off completely when I’m reacting negatively to a situation; this needs work. It started when I was a child, and would simply lock myself in my room writing for hours, not talking about my emotions with anyone, almost secretively.

2. As a parent, being open, honest, affectionate, emotionally stable, and setting positive examples. One of if not THE most important thing to me right now.

3. Outward reflections of inner peace - exuding compassion, empathy, humility, reliability, not sacrificing integrity for any [selfish] reason. We all struggle, we all have a story, we have all experienced pain, we have all made mistakes. Reflect, accept, digest, reinvent, plant new seeds… GROW and let go of the past. This is the only way to feel some sense of peace within yourself. I struggle with heavy doses of guilt resulting from past mistakes and it is easy to be hard on yourself when you’ve done wrong. But others’ opinions matter not – if you can first acknowledge your wrongdoings and then work towards forgiving yourself, this is the important part.

4. As a human being – not acting like a human being!!! This is a priority. I want to project my spiritual side as much as possible. IGNORING what people think or say, or how I am perceived by others. Developing stronger senses of esteem and confidence, filtering people out of my life if necessary to 1) achieve goals, and 2) not be influenced by negative energy. Having GOOD MANNERS is important to me!!

5. As a spiritual being – connecting to my surroundings and nature, learning about my [Native American] ancestors, strengthening and maintaining a healthy, modest relationship to God, growing from mistakes, letting jealousies subside, staying on a simple path and surrounding myself with simple things, exuding thankfulness and appreciation for all things in my life. Sharing this side of myself with others is the biggest part of who I am, even though I am quietly spiritual and generally only discuss these things if I sense it in another person. But if you get me on this subject, I really come to life. If we can talk and learn from one another in this area, you will make me stronger and leave a permanent place with me… and hopefully I can do the same for you.

6. In my relationships, equal balances of respect, openness, understanding, loyalty, and willingness to exchange thoughts. It is highly important to me that whomever comes into my life understands and respects all aspects of who I am, whether or not he/she agrees with my personal opinions or perceptions, and you can expect the same in return. Our relationship/friendship may or may not succeed but the idea of pursuing any type of relationship is that both people learn and grow from one another, whether the experience is negative or positive overall.

7. Professionally, exuding dependability, consistency, inspiration, kindness, charisma, enthusiasm, quality, [and coolness, hehe].

8. The Sixth Sense, trusting in and listening to my intuition, dream significance and how it is more than just ‘relative to our waking lives’, the flow of energy through all things, and the idea that ’soul mates’ are more than just ‘the person we are meant to be with forever’…. you can sense your soul mates.. people you ‘click with’.. people who ‘get you’ naturally, people who have affected your life profoundly whom you still think of often when you haven’t spoken in years. I believe you may end up with a ’soul mate’ but just because someone is one of your ’soul mates’ doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be together….

election day :\

I have no idea what is going to win this presidential election, but I know the things in life that are of value have never felt more valuable than now…..

After thinking I hadn’t re-registered in time this year, my sister convinced me to at least go give it a try, so I did, and sure enough I had forgotten that I re-registered this spring when I renewed my driving tags *whew*.. so I did my part today and will keep my preferences to myself for now.

=)

out of town

My love is at work, and I stayed home to get some work done at the forum. I will be leaving tomorrow and although I am beyond eager to get back to Ohio to see Ky and Holga kitty, the thought of being away from Chris again is rather crippling. Like all I want to do is run to the door when he gets here and squeeze him till I leave in the morning. 6am is going to come way too soon.

We wait and wait and wait to spend time together, and then in a blur it becomes memories again.

Our memories are always fond ones, but the cycle of being away from him is making me feel absolutely sick this time. Still, I sit here in his computer chair, wrapped up in his huge comfy blanket and I feel loved.

Wow.. I’m writing twice today.

I feel like I could pass out sitting here. My day started out very busy, then slowed way down, then got very busy yet again.

We went trick or treating… we [parents] dressed up too and I think its good for children to know that their parents can relate to them, and have fun on their level. I saw several of my peers.. one in particular who said “I’m not much for Halloween”….. oh well… go grumble around somewhere else and let us fill the streets with happiness and good cheer. Yes… Halloween is over-rated, BUT I never buy sweets in our household so I know Ky gets really excited about all the candy. It’s a one year deal, I’m cool with it.

It has been so hard splitting up the time I get to spend with Kyler. I know he needs his Dad, and his Dad needs him, so when we’re away I just try to remember that as much as I can. I do get lonely sometimes. My family is an hour and a half away, and with the constant bustle of everyday life, I can’t just go see them like I want to. Then Ky is gone half the week, and Chris… we go weeks at a time without physical contact. All these things lead to me burying myself in work, music, and silence. Don’t get me wrong.. I am very blessed to live the way I do, but sometimes I just want to reach out to someone. Socializing in less-than-classy scenarios is not for me, and when I do get out it is usually to hang out with my family, go to the wilderness somewhere with Ky, or buy groceries. I just don’t thrive on a need for what typically entertains other human beings. Chris and I enjoy being social now and then but we both lead very simplified lifestyles, and I really like that about him.

I’m going to see Chris in the morning… for four days this time…and its been a month since we last touched. A MONTH. Our strength amazes me sometimes.. and the fact that I can completely trust someone who is so far out of reach. Now compare this to a military romance and we’re big babies, but I still feel very secure, and our distance has a lot to do with it. I always feel him near. So the sun will feel warmer than usual tomorrow. The only downside is I will then have to miss Ky for four days. I hate being away from him.. but I know he and his dad have a loving relationship and that makes me feel better inside when I’m away.

I had multiple epiphanies today; about who I am and what my relationship to Chris means to me. I have always been a very laid back individual, with male and female friends alike. I have kept my online relationships pretty low key, but have developed friendships with men that I have worked with/met online etc. It wasn’t until the past few weeks that I took note of my jealous side, and am now fully aware that I do NOT like it when women who post half-naked photographs of themselves are messaging the man that I love. Now I realize we all note back and forth amongst people we know, I do it too. But is it REALLY necessary? No, not really. I am not trying to say I would ever tell Chris not to talk to people, but I will tell him that since I am the one he is devoted to, I want all the attention

This phase of silly jealousies has made me reflect upon myself and how I want nothing more than to prove to Chris that I am the one for him, etc, even tho I KNOW I am the one for him….. but I think the combination of our being far apart and knowing HOW other women can be has ruffled my feathers a bit. Not enough to ever take anything out on him, but enough to teach me some lessons about my own behaviour. At times, I do speak to my male friends online. I know what my intentions are, but THEY might not; the same goes for naked females who think the man that I love is gorgeous, and I don’t blame them.. he IS. A mind can wander though. I would never want Chris’s mind to wander. Something that has become clear to me is that jealousy is sign my spiritual side could use some brushing up. Focusing on strengthening my spiritual self will be the key to getting through these types of feelings. When your mind runs around in circles around negative or unpleasant feelings, it is paralyzing, which only results in spiraling downward even further. There is no point to this and I have better things to do with my time than let other people get under my skin, especially when I myself partake in the same harmless “messaging” that may create jealous feelings within Chris. I’m not sure if that happens, but I don’t want it to, and so I’m really going to cut that out from now on, for my own well being and for the sanctity of the relationship. I love this man.

My friendliness and openness with some of my male friends I’m thinking is old news, silly, pointless. It is simply not necessary, and there is nothing cool about sending and/or receiving mixed signals. Chris is much more important to me than creating new friendships with the opposite sex and letting the possibility of leading someone on manifest even for a split second. I am a friendly girl, don’t get me wrong, but Chris says I sometimes let people mistake my kindness for a weakness. I can see that.

Lo and behold, some situations have occurred that leave me now more sure than ever that he is my one and only =)

Modesty, Confidence, and the Spiritual Self

To fight for, or not to fight for?? This is the question.

On one side of the coin, I think “fighting” for things is admirable, whether or not the outcome is successful. People that step up and speak out do change things.

On the other side of the coin, I have grown to place those who possess modesty up on a very high pedestal, who keep their opinions, morals, and goals on a much more personal level, and approach ‘fighting’ from a quiet corner where their efforts are small but steady. These are the types I wish to associate myself with….and the types I truly connect with. Talented or not, beautiful or not, “rich” or not, if there is some peacefulness or contentment within a person I think they just naturally ooze modesty.

There is something so particularly spiritual about this characteristic that my intuition often identifies it immediately upon coming into contact with someone new. A cashier in a department store the other day was just so kind and patient doing her job.. scanning the loads of crap I had to purchase, slipping it into the bags, scanning, bagging, scanning…. People who can do this for a living and still possess such a warm personality are inspiring to me.

My spiritual self has been feeling a *slight* void… some things in my personal life last year resulted in making a choice to leave a church where I have never felt so comfortable before in my life. I am confident that it was the right choice, and I keep getting this feeling like I should be working more with children, and helping them develop spirituality within themselves. I’m not sure when exactly, but I can see myself doing SOMETHING. For the sake of my son especially.. and to set an example to him. We talk a lot about God, moral values, the virtues, etc… but I really think sharing those feelings with others can be such a positive reinforcement, as well as a blessing [whether you are Christian or otherwise]. I do not believe that being a Christian should mean you are expected to be at church every Sunday……  but I do see a significance in attending for the purpose of conditioning your self-control, for education, for strengthening spiritual relationships, and for sharing your feelings with like-minded individuals.

All I know is, the more I condition this part of myself, the more at ease I am with things, the less apt I am to complain when something doesn’t go as expected, and the more contentment and modesty I can sense within. Its amazing when you’re in sync with things like this. And I’m not sure what this feeling I’ve been having is exactly but I feel like I could and should be doing something more, something more selfless. I miss tithing and knowing that the money was going to purchase learning materials for children living in poverty.

I’m not sure what all of your spiritual beliefs are, but whomever has read all the way through I do believe you have some sense of it or you would have lost interest some time ago.

And a quick professional revelation that actually has stemmed from personal feelings……..I have been told that my pricing for portraits is high, and that I must have quite an ego to be charging what I do for portraits; For a moment I started to feel some strange sense of guilt. Well.. in comparison to my competitors, it is just right, and in some cases, my prices are way cheaper! This is the only income I have… and I am the only employee.. meaning I do ALL the work myself; all the traveling, the shooting, editing, ordering, packaging, delivery, website updates, email correspondences, marketing, literature design, etc. And I love what I do but I am a perfectionist and I make sure that every image and every aspect of a person’s experience with me after being hired is as perfect as possible. So I feel my prices reflect the quality of service they are receiving… and I don’t feel guilty – so the people spewing their negativity can rest assured that I’m no longer feeling down on myself. In fact, I’m more confident now about my work than I ever have been

moments in which we have solitude

reflect
predict
consequence for the sum of all the evils
the rewards for all good deeds carried out
yet nothing good comes from worry
and hope is nothing without action

when assumption presses heavily down
and poisons what was once pure
She melts like ice in sun

Yet there is power waiting
in the liquid dissolve of all she has ever known
in the liquid dissolve of her loneliness

It has grown silent…..

Do you believe in Ghosts??

Thought I might as well post something pertaining to Halloween and Creepiness since Halloween is Friday =)

So… do you believe in ghosts??

Curious to know people’s opinions on this.. I tend to get on a roll with this topic because I experienced some very supernatural happenings back in the year 2000 in a house I used to rent. Needless to say.. we moved out after three short months due to the amount of activity going on there. Never experienced anything before, nor after, but I’m a FIRM believer and if you disagree, its okay because I know what I saw, felt, heard, and I saw male friends of ours who were liek 6′2 and 240 pounds shed tears because of what they saw in that house LOL.

I need my cousin Susan to comment on this topic… I’m gonna round her up.. I’m pretty sure she has a myspace and she lived there with me.

Thoughts?

being open minded

Correct me if Im wrong here… but doesn’t ‘open-mindedness’ mean being open to other people’s opinions??

That’s what I would consider the meaning of the term to be. Opinions are just that – opinions, neither right nor wrong – they are feelings more or less, so how can they be ‘wrong’?

Its starting to feel like claiming “open mindedness” is an excuse to take a stand and voice one’s own opinion in hopes of recognition and appreciation, but then strangely take offense when someone voices their own in retaliation.

I think discussing opinons is bittersweet, and it is a rarity to find someone who truly respects you. A rarity, if not an impossibility, at least in terms of sincerity.

Is it me, or have my last couple of blogs come across negatively? lol.